The Power of Silence

Silence is a multipurpose tool. We can use it as a defense mechanism, as a weapon, as a way to listen, or for restorative healing. For some of us, silence can be uncomfortable and scary, and for others it is calming, peaceful and spiritual. We can have seasons of silence: winter is a literal season that can contain silence on a gently snowy day. You step outside the warmth and coziness of your home, and your world is blanketed in snow that muffles sound and creates a cocoon of silence. We can also have figurative seasons in our lives when we experience silence; perhaps when teens leave home for college, or the death of a beloved pet, or the end of a meaningful relationship, or the beginning of retirement.

“Silence is of different kinds, and breathes different meanings.” Charlotte Brontë

DEFENSE MECHANISM

As a child I was accustomed to silence as my mother was a nurse who worked nights and therefore slept during the day. I was used to being quiet in the house. Luckily, I was raised in a warm climate and able to spend most of my time outside playing in the garden, or I would lie on my bed and read copious amounts of books. As I was already accustomed to being quiet, I developed the use of silence in my childhood when I needed to retreat from uncomfortable tension. This became my go-to defense mechanism. Many of us have used silence as a defense mechanism; as a way to block out the chaos and noise of a stressful situation. When I find myself in a situation where I feel triggered by someone else’s rudeness, or mansplaining (and this is not always with males), or I sense they are not interested in what I have to say, I simply shut down. It is not intentional. It is a built-in response. Most of the time it happens before I realize what is going on. Once I have shut down it takes extreme effort and energy to reengage and come back to the situation; it is easier to wander off – either literally or figuratively.

WEAPON

Some people use silence as a weapon. They give others the silent treatment, which can last for hours to days to weeks. It is used as a form of punishment. It is not something I can relate to, but I imagine it is harmful to both parties. I often wonder what is being achieved in this time, and when does the punisher feel the time is right to start talking to the other person. And do they talk about the silence treatment, or is that an unmentionable topic?

I realize that my shutting down may come across as using the silent treatment, but I only shut down on a specific topic, and will come back to it when I feel ready to express my thoughts more clearly: assuming that I am interested in the relationship. If I am not invested in the relationship then no longer pursuing the conversation doesn’t feel like silent treatment but rather a decision to move on to another conversation with other people.

LISTENING TO OTHERS

Silence is an important element within our relationships. Sitting in companionable silence with a loved one is reassuring and restorative for me. My husband and I can drive for an hour or more when on a road trip and not talk, and then when we do break the silence, it is amazing how many times we both start to say the same thing; which is comforting and always catches me by surprise and makes me laugh. It feels good to be so connected to another person that we may in fact have been communicating within the silence. 

Consciously being silent gives us the opportunity to listen to others. Active listening means paying less attention to the thoughts in our heads, and focusing instead on what the other person is saying. It means silencing the thoughts we want to express, and listening instead of planning what we want to say next. For many of us this takes effort and practice, and a huge amount of intention. It is not a natural tendency for many of us.

LISTENING TO SELF

Silence can be a time for self-reflection and growth. Sitting still and paying attention to our breath as a form of meditation can be healing. There is a silent pause in our breathing pattern that occurs as we move from inhalation to exhalation, and from exhalation to inhalation. When prolonged by using four-square breathing, this space can be uncomfortable, scary, and a time of fearful waiting for the next breath for some people, and for others it can be a peaceful spiritual moment when we connect with our heartbeat and the sense of being alive.

SILENCE AS IMPLIED CONSENT

Imagine you’re in a group discussion, and person A states a point or makes a claim, and person B refutes it. You don’t say anything either way. Perhaps you are choosing to be silent because you don’t care about whatever person A and B are disagreeing about. Or perhaps you stay silent because you are conflict-avoidant and want to stay out of it. But being silent doesn’t keep you out of it.  If the rest of group remain silent, there is an implied consent to person A’s point of view. At least that is how person B may feel.

Consider these quotes:

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” — Archbishop Desmond Tutu

“Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.” – Mahatma Gandhi

LACK OF SILENCE

Some people are uncomfortable with silence and maintain a constant chatter. The constant chatter is a way to prevent the introspection that can result from planned silence.  Constant chatter can be a way to avoid finding meaning in a situation or event. Some people fill their lives with noise: with the TV running in the background, or music playing all day, and surrounding oneself with other people as often as possible. Some of these people find the background noise evokes their creativity. I cannot relate to this. I cannot have background noise on when I am writing, or thinking about something I recently heard or planning on a class I am giving in the future. The time when I enjoy having music on is when I am cleaning the house, or cooking, or folding laundry, or driving in the car.

HEALING 

A meditation practice is a powerful means to securing silence in our day. Meditation allows us to focus on our breath, and to allow the thoughts that swirl around our brains time to dissipate one exhale at at time. Meditation is a time to self-reflect, to listen to our thoughts and then let them go. Our brains are created in such a way that there will never be a time of prolonged silence: there is always the next thought that pops into our head.

Larks and Night Owls benefit from the silence at each end of the day. I am a Lark and relish the quiet and stillness of the house in the early morning, especially in the winter when it is dark outside, and fog sits against the windows adding an extra layer of silence. This quiet time in the morning is when I am most creative and able to express myself without clutter in my head. Being married to a Night Owl, I know that late evening is an equivalent time for others to relish silence.

RECOVERING SLOTH

As a recovering sloth, I am becoming more aware of how I use silence. Historically, I have held back on giving my opinion unless the topic is really important to me. The curse of being a Libra is that I can see both sides to everything – which, coincidentally is also the curse of being Type 9 – so most of the time I refrain from giving an opinion or say something non-committal. A friend pointed out examples of when she witnessed this character defect at play recently, and I realized that I need to practice giving lots of ‘in my opinion’ or ‘I think’ or ‘I prefer’ answers whenever I can in situations that I really don’t have a strong opinion about so that when I do care, when the topic is important to me, when I have to stand up and be counted, I will be able to do it so much more easily. As Qoheleth stated “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” This recovering sloth is going to speak her mind more!